You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
