So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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