I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
