I feel like abortions should bother me more
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
