I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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