i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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