Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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