i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
