i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
