Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize