i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
