dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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