I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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