just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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