You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
