The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
