I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
