dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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