I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
