hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
