I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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