allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
