farters have to be the big spoon...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
