Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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