You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
