overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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