True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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