Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
