every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
