If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This is my gift to your gina
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
