Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
