i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize