i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
