i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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