K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
