I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
