I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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