I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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