if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
