If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
