see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
