Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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