The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
