I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
