$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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