btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I will pee on everything he values.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
