Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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