she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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