Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Randomize
