I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize