JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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