ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
