Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
