he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
