Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Vodka?
Forever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
