I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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