If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
